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Archive for the ‘For Laughs’ Category

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1 – Never walk without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 – Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss — and you will get caught — your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3 – Keep a messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 – Use voice mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing — they call because they want you to do work for them. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there — it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5 – Look impatient & annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6 – Leave the office late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

7 – Use sighing for effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8 – Opt for the stacking strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9 – Build your vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10 – Don’t get caught.
MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forward this page’s URL to your boss by mistake!

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Cat Commandments

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  • Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
  • Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
  • Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
  • Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
  • Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
  • Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
  • Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
  • Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.
  • Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
  • Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
  • Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
  • Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
  • Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4a.m.
  • Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
  • Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
  • Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
  • Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
  • Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

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    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
    2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6.You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
    10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the- room-spinning medicine.
    12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    15.Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    16.Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
    17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    18.Procrastinate Now!
    19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    20.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    24.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    25.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    26.Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27.The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
    28.The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

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